The remix of Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” was pulsing through the club when a previously shy friend of mine set off on a series of benders, complete with water bras, oceans of Smirnoff Ice and undulating hips. She had literally adopted the lyric “I want to [bleep] you like an animal” as her personal mission statement.

Fast-forward several years. Snugly shacked up with a sweet man, said friend was ready to settle down and live a squeaky clean life with The One. Only, as we both knew, her tally was nowhere near a single digit. His, on the other hand, was a meagre two or three lovers, all accrued within the sacrosanct turf of “serious relationships.”

“Have you told him yet?” I prodded one day. The reply: a meek, elongated “Noooo,” which translated into “What if he thinks I’m a filthy slut? What good can it do?”

Lots, says Dr. Paul James, a Vancouver psychologist who specializes in sex and relationship therapy. “If a partner senses that the other
person is holding things back, then it damages the attachment,” he says. Whether you’ve taken a personal oath of silence, or the number 56 became “5 or 6” during the moment of truth, it’s important to come clean. And the earlier the better: By the time you’re sharing a closet, it will be more traumatic to discover any sexual skeletons among the dress shirts.

Yet James’ advice comes with a firm caveat: Avoid graphic details. That’s something Hayley, 29, wishes she could erase. Her husband cheated on her early in their relationship. “When we were working through it, I thought I wanted to know certain details—wrong!” she says. “In some ways it made it a lot harder to get over.”

However, James says a partner does have a right to know the basic facts: number of partners, how and why previous relationships ended, same-sex experimentation, pornography interests, use of prostitutes, group sex, etc.

Haven’t mustered the courage to blurt out the words “webcam broadcasts”? James has a few tips to ease any confession: “Find a time when both of you are not stressed or fatigued, where it’s private and you have time to be present with each other, so that if there are tears, if there are strong emotions, people can feel safe to express those feelings and work through them.”

Also, maintain some physical contact throughout the ordeal. Believe it or not, that touch could help lead to better times to come by reaffirming your attachment to one another. Says James: “Disclosures that are honest and heartfelt can draw people closer.”