Q: Smug Marrieds, my single friends think I’m a smug married and don’t feel comfortable sharing their dating woes with me, even though that’s a big part of their lives. How do I get them to let me in?

Kate says…
I can’t imagine why they would be reluctant to lay bare the ruins of their dating lives for your examination. I mean, you’re an expert, right? You’ve succeeded where they have failed. You are happy, and they are sad. If that’s your approach, it’s easy to understand why they don’t want to talk about it with you. If you ask for all the gory details, it will look like you are taking pleasure in their unhappiness. If you give them advice, they will feel patronized.
Just try to be sympathetic and don’t say anything more than “Wow, what a schmuck” when appropriate.

Bret says…
Try bursting into tears about how nobody trusts you anymore. There will still be shoulders and somebody will still be crying on them, and that’s 80 percent of what you’re missing anyway, right?

Q: Smug Marrieds, my best guy friend and I are each perfectly happily married, but it’s still weird inviting our partners out when we go for drinks to catch up. Is there a way we can bring everyone together?

Kate says…
You don’t say why it’s weird. Is it just that your spouses don’t have much in common with each other, or is it that there’s some remnant sexual tension or jealousy at play between the two of you? If it’s just a matter of not having much to talk about with each other’s spouses, well, that happens. You can either try really hard to find some common ground, or you can live with the fact that you probably aren’t ever going to be best friends. It’s okay—healthy, even—to have some different friends and go out solo some of the time.
On the other hand, if it’s weird because of some tension between the two of you—even if it seems like ancient history—you might want to give that a bit of thought. Husbands and wives are intuitive creatures, and you might unwittingly (or perhaps wittingly?) be doing something that is making them uncomfortable. It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re at risk of falling into bed with your best friend or anything, but doing anything to make your spouse even a tiny bit suspicious is mean, even if you don’t intend it. Plus it creates awkward social situations, which you are clearly not enjoying.

Bret says…
I think I disagree, sort of. If you do have longings for your friend, and he for you, then okay, it’s probably not smart for the two of you to be out alone together, drunk.
But. You know how at every wedding there’s a reading from Khalil Gibran with the line that goes “Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone/Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music”? And you know how that line makes everybody exchange meaningful glances? Well, that’s because it’s good advice. It’s important to have your own life. It’s necessary. You’re entitled to that. Going for drinks with a friend is a simple thing. Don’t complicate it. Don’t load it up with winks and innuendo. Don’t make it weird, and it won’t be.

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