Even in relationships that boast an alarming level of intimacy, there is bound to be at least one topic that remains painfully awkward. (Case in point: There is no graceful way to inform your partner that the Afro is a hairstyle that should never be sported below the waist.) Nevertheless, allowing a gripe to fester may lead to even worse things: Frustration. Embarrassment. Vomiting. So we’ve endeavoured to help you soften the blow with these gentle memos.
YES, THOSE JEANS DO MAKE YOU LOOK FAT. BUT…
- Your eyes sure are pretty.
- Luckily, sex burns calories.
- We’re cleaning up on Air Miles at Boston Pizza.
- You look petite when you’re standing next to your mom.
- Then again, so am I.
YOUR COOKING LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED. LIKE AN APPETITE. BUT…
- Most of the time you get the baguette right.
- On the other hand, the dog is looking mighty robust.
- I’ve been vigilant about recycling Michelina’s boxes.
- Let’s go to India! My digestive system is ready.
- Doing the dishes is no longer a chore. It’s a celebration.
YOU’VE GOT SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXTRAHALITOSIS. AND THE SMELL OF IT IS SOMETHING QUITE ATROCIOUS. BUT…
- We no longer have to worry about wildlife attacks when we go camping. (You have built-in bear spray.)
- You are a whiz with garlic.
- It’s okay if you’re too rushed to kiss me goodbye in the morning.
- The classic “You left the toothpaste cap off” fight doesn’t exist in our house. (Because you never brush.)
- The prospect of lonely old Edith next door dying during a heat wave no longer haunts me. I know I’ve smelled worse.
I’VE BEEN FAKING IT. ALL OF IT. BUT…
- I think I’ve found my calling on Broadway!
- I was being honest when I said I wasn’t in the mood.
- My ex says he’s more than happy to give you some pointers.
- That vibrator you gave me for Valentine’s was spot-on.
- I have used the time wisely: making mental grocery lists, etc.
YOUR MISSTACHE (FEMALE MOUSTACHE) IS SO THICK, I’M MORE AROUSED BY RON JEREMY. BUT…
- Admittedly, my man boobs could use a reduction.
- Your Charlie Chaplin impression is second to none.
- My lips have been perfectly exfoliated lately.
- Thanks for the fond memories of my dad, circa 1978.
- What’s mine is yours, sweetie. Including the MACH3.
WHEN I SAY “HOW WAS YOUR DAY, HONEY?” I DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO HEAR EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT YOUR BORING-ASS JOB. BUT…
- The classic “Would you rather go deaf or blind?” dilemma: SOLVED.
- My job at the toothpick plant now seems glamorous.
- I’ve found a replacement for counting sheep.
- Your ability to recite all the fonts on Microsoft Word by heart certainly deserves some respect.
- The patent for my flesh tone earplugs has come in. We’re gonna be rich!
