Name the last five places where you romped with your partner…If your answer is a full “bed” flush—with a smattering of “couch” feebly thrown in—it’s time to raise the stakes by adding a dash of exhibitionistic pizzazz to your sex life. Migrating straight from the bedroom to the front lawn is not recommended unless you’re looking for a quick avenue to sex in the slammer, but for discreet duos, here are some key locations to try in the sport of alfresco lovin’.
Risk factor: 10/10
Instructions: Go to the kitchen cabinet display. Open two cupboards to obstruct everything from the waist down. Maintain the facial composure of shoppers who are seriously contemplating faucets.
Dress code: A long skirt and a trench coat.
Dirty talk: “Tab A in Slot B and then screw.”
Excuse if busted: Just pretend you’re Swedish. String together a jumble of product names that sound like a sentence (“Malm sova agen svenning!”), then make a beeline for the cafeteria.
If you like this, you may also like: Home Depot.
Risk factor: 7/10
Instructions: Anything too gymnastic may result in capsizing the cart. So instead of going for the top prize, settle for some manual clowning around as your pod peaks.
Dress code: A blanket over the lap.
Dirty talk: “Tame the beast under the big top.”
Excuse if busted: “I had to hold on to something rigid to steady myself.”
If you like this, you may also like: Heavy petting at the petting zoo.
Risk factor: 4/10
Instructions: Most clubbing is just a layer of fabric away from penetration anyway. Wait until claustrophobia and intoxication levels soar simultaneously, then pull off a standing spooning position.
Dress code: A short skirt and a well-oiled fly. No underwear.
Dirty talk: “C’mon baby, do the locomotion...I’ll jump on the caboose.”
Excuse if busted: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
If you like this, you may also like: An outdoor music festival.
Risk factor: 2/10
Instructions: Beginners can cheat and hit the stop button between floors. More risqué couples should select the top floor of a tall tower and hope nobody gets on before they get off. Warning: Disregarding security cameras can increase the odds of getting caught, but may start a career in porn.
Dress code: He’s a bellboy; she’s in a power suit.
Dirty talk: “Ride that shaft.”
Excuse if busted: “We got confused between going to the penthouse and posing for it.”
If you like this, you may also like: A fireman’s pole.
Risk factor: 9/10
Instructions: She wears an inner tube around the waist to ward off prying eyes. He swims up, grabs the side of the flotation device, and she mounts him underwater.
Dress code: A one-piece swimsuit (to prevent the awkward loss of bikini bottoms).
Dirty talk: “You’re soooo wet.”
Excuse if busted: “The undertow sucked me in.”
If you like this, you may also like: The Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls.
Risk factor: 7/10
Instructions: Strip to the ankles. She sits on his lap. Insert coins and make indecent exposures. (Note: Failure to collect the pictures in time may result in an arrest/threesome offer from mall security.)
Dress code: Anything, as long as you can keep socks and shoes on.
Dirty talk: “Say sleaze!”
Excuse if busted: “The rules on passport photos are getting so stringent. First no smiles,now no shirts? Jeepers…”
If you like this, you may also like: Tanning beds.
